This is who I am

I have been spending a lot of time with my mom lately. It is so great to be closer to her and be able to spend time with her. I stayed at my mom and Dan's house for almost 2 weeks... it started as "Hey Cheekie, do you want to come over for the night?" And two weeks later, I am being dropped off at home. Anyway, all this time alone with my mom and the little chats we have got me thinking.
Who do I want to be when I grow up? What kind of person do I see myself becoming? Who will I marry? Where will I live? All this stupid crap that I don't want to think about.
I hate thinking about those things. #1, because I have no idea what the hell I am doing with my life, and #2 because if I think it, then I feel like I have no choice but to go for it, and when I fail (because I am really good at that) then I will be disappointed in myself. But I get these constant reminders from her, and they go something like this, "You don't need to have your life figured out yet." or "Who cares if you change your mind, everyone does it. And you would rather change your mind now than spend money on something you will change your mind about later." She tells me these things and I feel like I have heard them before... Oh yeah, because I have. But I never let it sink in. I never listened to the people who told that to me because I didn't want them to be right. I wanted to be right, I wanted to never have to change my mind, I wanted to know exactly what I wanted and never have a second thought about it. But lets get real... that never happens.
So as of today, this is who I am and who I want to be. But I don't have to stay this way, I can change and I can change my mind. I reserve the right. And I reserve the right to not care if and/or when you don't like it.

I am Diane Muriel Satriano. Yes, that is my middle name, I am finally saying it. I will no longer tell people it is Ariel, which I did for a year or so when I was really young. And I won't say it is Marie, which I always wanted it to be, because I loved my aunty Marie and thought my middle name should be after her. I am Diane Muriel Satriano. For the rest of my life... that is until I hyphenate or ditch the last name when I get married.

I am 21 years old. And just like almost every other 21 year old, I love to drink. And I don't need to hear about how I will go to hell because of it. I love to drink beer, dark beer only. I love whisky, I love rum and I love vodka. You know what I love more than beer and hard liquor? Both of those at a karaoke bar. Yes, I am a bad singer, but I love drunk singing at the bar more than probably anything. Few things make me happier than being drunk and having a large selection of country music, 80s music and 90s music to choose from.

I also love to smoke. More so when I drink. But I love my cigarettes. They are my vice. And I don't care how horrible that is. This is who I am. I have been smoking for years, and if I hid it from you until now, then what right would anyone have to be angry? It's not even that big of a deal. I don't do it around people that are offended, I don't smoke in front of people who hate the smell and I never ever ever smoke around children. And I almost always wait to smoke until I know I won't see anyone the rest of the day that would hate if they smelled it on me. At least I am a considerate smoker.

I likecountry music. GASP! I love it actually. In fact I love it so much, that I have become more shallow as I listen to it. I will only marry a hick now. Where is my redneck romeo? I need a man who will be the man in the relationship. No fairies please! He better call me woman, tell me to make him sandwiches, and say "fetch me a beer." That is what I want. Cowboy hats and boots are necessary. 1969 Dennis Hopper, if I could have you I would die a happy woman.

I want to be a chef. I love to cook. I don't do enough of it right now, but I love it. I want to go to school and learn all there is to learn about cooking. Someday, I would love to have my own catering business. Unless of course, I decide to become a housewife for my redneck husband. And in that case, I will always have dinner on the table by 7. Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I want to become a chef is because I truly believe women belong in the kitchen. I actually heard a funny joke the other day (thanks Joey) and it goes like this, Why don't women wear watches? Because there is a clock on the stove! ba dum chhhh
Thank you, thank you, funny, I know. But lets not forget how true it is.
No but seriously, I love to cook, I am so amazed by it. I love how you can take the simplest of ingredients and make something so good. I want to be able to do that someday. People remember those dishes that made their mouths water and still do. They remember them and crave them. They talk about them. And someday I want to be the one to make those dishes for people.
Its like this bruschetta that I had once in Denver with my sister. We went to this Italian restaurant that was just amazing. We ordered goat cheese bruschetta for our appetizer and it was so good! We both took and bite and made the same exact yummy sound at the exact same time. I love when we do that. Sometimes I think we are twins at heart. Anyway, it was fabulous. And I will remember that bruschetta and will crave it probably forever.

I love tattoos and piercings. A lot. And I plan on getting more. Tattoos that is, I probably won't get any more piercings. I have a few ideas on the tattoos I want, but I won't tell you until I actually plan on getting them. I need a friend who is a tattoo artist. Any takers? I will pay you somehow. I just don't know how yet. Maybe we can work out a deal eh?

Oh, here's a good one. I love dressing the way I do. I don't care if I am told I look "extra gay" today. I like wearing jeans, button up shirts, hats, and watches. Deal with it. I am still getting the guys with my awesome cleavage.

I want to move out to California for school next year. I will reapply in January for NVC and hopefully move out there this spring or summer. That is, if I can get my financial stuff in order this time. I am not good with finances. And I know it. I like to spend my money when I get it. I have never been good at saving, I need to work on it. I need to remember that if I save, I am working towards the goal I want more than the clothes, tattoos, and parties.

I want to live in the south someday. I love the dirty south. And I have to make my hubby happy. And since he will be a redneck, I assume he will want to live somewhere in the south. But not in Kentucky hopefully. I still have a bench warrant out for my arrest there...

Also, I am the master at running away. Not like running away from home. I have never done that. I think I would have been too much of a pussy about that. I could never have left the comfort of home as a kid, no matter how mad I got at my dad and his wife or my mom.
But now, I am the master at it. I don't run away and not tell anyone where I am going. But I leave when the the "going gets tough." As a kid I lived with my dad most of my life. I lived with my grama and grampa in elementary school for a little bit when things got hard at home. Then in Jr High, my dad moved to Roch, I wasn't happy about it and I ran to my mom. I lived with her until after High School. Then I ran to my dad in Roch when my mom and I started butting heads. I got sick of living with my dad pretty quick so I left. I lived with a family that took me in. But I never felt settled there. The plan was to get roomies when I moved in with them anyway, so its good I didn't feel settled. I moved out. My roomies sucked. So I moved out again... with a different family. Things were fine for a while. But I am who I am, and if you don't like it that doesn't mean I will change for you. So when things got bad there (job and living situation) I quit my job and moved back to the cities. I stayed with my aunt until I could get a job and pay rent somewhere. I found the best roomies anyone could ever ask for. I loved them and I still miss them actually. But the landlords daughter was a bitch and we all had to leave. So, we all left. I moved in with my mom again. But we are not good roommates. So I live with my grandparents now. And honestly, it is not cool. I love them, they are great. But the living situation is not ideal. I am ready to run away. This is who I am. I run away.
And I push people away. When I feel like I am getting too close, I leave. That is partially why I run away I think. I leave before someone can hurt me. And that's what happens with everyone. No one will not hurt you. Everyone lets you down at some point. And I try to leave before it is a serious let down. It's what I am good at. That is why I never stay in a relationship. It is easier to date for a little bit and have fun. Then give it up before it gets serious.
I know it isn't ideal, I don't want to be the person that runs away every time but it is easy for now. Someday I will change, but for now, this is easy and it works for me.

The reason I am writing this now is because I am getting called out on some things in my life. So I want to clarify to everyone who I am.
This is who I am. Diane Muriel Satriano. If you like it great, if not then I suppose it is best not to waste our time. And I am fine with that.

It's about being humane vs merciless

These two little paragraphs are from an awesome article that I read and that I actually agree with very much. You need to check out the article. I don't care what side of the political spectrum you find yourself residing on. It seems absurd to agree with sb1070 after reading this... especially if you call yourself christian.

To what extent are our attitudes towards immigrants shaped by materialism? As aliens and
strangers in this world, what is the theological basis for acting as though America were our property
and we can hence deny access to it? Are we being overly possessive of our lifestyle or standard of
living?

Is the fear of running out of limited resources justifiable? How can we say that there is not enough
to go around in America? Are we more concerned with the pursuit of affluence than meeting the
basic human needs of all human beings?

Here is the link for the whole thing

http://www.wheaton.edu/CACE/resources/onlinearticles/immigration.pdf

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

That title is meant to be sung like David Bowie.

That is also irrelevant. But changes are abrewing... or have brewed I guess. And they seem to be constant.

I moved again! Lets re-cap my living situations... I moved from Roch to the cities. I lived with my aunt for a few weeks until I could live in the House on Wynne. The landlord's daughter went psycho, so we all moved out. I moved in with my mom for a little bit, and now I am back in St. Paul with my favorite Grama and Grampa. All this since March. Holy crap. Lets see if I can manage to move again before I get settled. That would be fun...

I had to quit my job because I don't have a vehicle right now and after moving I couldn't get to my job from St. Paul via bike. So I am really hoping I have another job at Zumiez, I am just waiting to hear back. But I think chances are good (knock on wood). I will have to take the bus until I can afford a car, and let me tell you, I am not looking forward to figuring out the bus line. I took it once now, and it was quite the predicament.

Let me share why. I only had enough money for the bus and forgot to get a transfer, and I was without a phone because I couldn't pay my phone bill either. So I got on the bus that I thought I was supposed to be on, and crossed my fingers. A guy came and sat down next to me... on an empty bus, he chose right next to me. It was a little sketchy, but I rolled with it anyway because what choice did I have? He started talking to me, so I was being polite and making conversation. But I soon realized that the bus I was on, was not the one I wanted. So I asked him what direction we were headed and he let me know that I was on the wrong bus. He told me he would help me find the right bus when we got off the one we were on. So I said thank you, and we kept talking. He then proceeded to tell me that he was 32, had two kids, 13 and 11, and was just out of prison for assault. He spent 4 years in the joint. Awesome. His friend that he was riding the bus with, who was sitting all the way in the back, was also fresh out of prison for the same thing. So I now have two men that I am trusting with my life, and they are fresh out of prison. Sounds like fun. So we got off the bus and started to walk to another stop and the guy (who's name I can't remember) tells me he can't figure out which stop I need. We sat on a bench for a minute while waiting for his friend (the "real life bachelor" as he called himself) to catch up with us. So I checked my wallet to see how many quarters I had, and thankfully I had just enough. The guy must have noticed because he called up his friend and asked for them to come get us and give me a ride home... I agreed to the ride and when he commented on how trusting I am, I told him it was only because I had a taser on me at all times. Obviously, I got home fine because I am blogging about it now. But it was slightly sketchy and pretty darn scary to just trust someone you don't know at all who just got out of prison. 

Moral of the story? I have none. I just need to know my bus lines better next time. 

Also, I am not going to CA this year, I couldn't get the financials in order for this school year. I can re-apply in January though, and hopefully I will move out there in the Spring. Or just maybe, I will change my mind yet again and want to do something completely different. Let's hope not though.

THIS JUST IN!

Ok, prepare yourself, this sounds like a joke. But it is not. I was not under the influence of anything when this momentous occasion occurred. I also want to state for the record, that I am not under the influence of anything right now. But I will shortly be partaking in the drinking of a delicious beer. But note, I said one. And one beer alone could not make this up.

Today, I woke up at 4am thinking I had to be at work by 5:30, so when biking, I give myself an hour for this all uphill endeavor. Then, I checked my email, and to my surprise, I noticed I didn't have to be in until 7! Alas, more sleep was in my very near future! So, I went back to bed.

Upon waking up, I was 10 minutes behind schedule, which is not good when I don't give myself any extra time. So, I got my stuff, and sped away on my way to work. I was doing fine with time, but then as if from a dream, I saw it.

A jackalope. Yes, you can read correctly, it does say a jackalope. For the sake of the seriousness behind this blog post, I will even give you a legit definition for this not so mythical creature.

The jackalope — also called an antelabbit, aunt benny, Wyoming thistled hare or stagbunny — in  folklore is said to be a cross between a jackrabbit and an antelope (hence the name), goat, or deer, and is usually portrayed as a rabbit with antlers. Some believe that the tales of jackalopes were inspired by sightings of rabbits infected with the Shope papillomavirus, which causes the growth of horn- and antler-like tumors in various places on the rabbit's head and body.

I do not appreciate the word folklore since this is real. But that is the definition.

Now back to more important things, like my encounter with this here jackalope. I was riding my bike on Radio Dr in Woodbury, it was approximately 6:40am, and I was between Bailey and Lake Rd. When out of the corner of my eye, I saw a little rabbit. Cute right?
No. At first glance, I thought it had a little brown afro. Which would be sweet! But upon slowing down and looking closer, I noticed that is was in fact a tangled mess of horns upon this rabbits head. I watched it while biking by and was simply amazed, but since I was 10 minutes behind schedule, I had to keep hurrying to work. Otherwise, I would have fished out my phone to try to take a picture.
Anyway, I kid you not. This is no laughing matter. , Jakalopes are legit, and this was the second sighting of a jakalope in my family. My brother saw one when he was about 8 I believe. He was at a wedding shower or something to that effect when he noticed a funny looking bunny. He ran to my mom to tell her, but she didn't believe him. He was very insistent upon the fact that he saw a funny looking bunny. When she got up to look, she noticed that, yes, the bunny was funny looking. Why you may ask? Uh, because it had horns! Soon a bunch of people from the party were gathering around and looking at it and taking pictures. If I wasn't lazy and knew how to scan something and post it, I would post the picture we have of it. But that would also require me to go through a few thousand pictures to find it. It doesn't seem worth it.

But that is all for today, it was a very exciting morning. And all I want, is to share this excitement with you! I hope you enjoyed.

There are two types of people in the world...

So I've been getting a lot of crap on my religious views lately. I don't sit in my chair, look down on you, and tell you "you're wrong," so why do you do it to me?

There is no proof of anything, so you really can't tell me I am wrong. How do you know 100% that you are right? 

Christians don't bother me in general, there are two types that bother me. And these two types have completely turned me off of the idea of calling myself a christian. They have been at it for years. I have never voiced my true feelings about this religion until recently, these feelings are nothing new, they are just newly voiced.

I want to explain my feelings in a calm manner when I am not frustrated by anyone in particular at the moment when I blog. So, here is to the two kinds of christians that bug me. 

To those of you who are really charismatic and make people feel uncomfortable-

I feel like making everyone around you uncomfortable is no way to go about showing them gods love. I have an example of this in my life. There is someone who likes to push their views on me. They pray in tongues every time I say something that doesn't line up with their religious views. All I can think about when they do that, is that is sounds like they are placing a curse on me. If there is no one around to interpret what you are saying while you speak in "tongues" they don't do it. You make everyone around you without "faith" uncomfortable. And I am sure it isn't necessary.

Then when I told the person that it makes me upset when they do that every time I say something... what did they say? "It wouldn't make you uncomfortable if you were a forerunner for god." REALLY??!? You are a forerunner eh? And god tells you everything you sit here and preach at me? Oh, there are only 12 of you chosen forerunners? That's amazing. Good for you. I am sure you haven't lost your mind. That all sounds really legit. And not only does it sound legit, but it also sounds like you are in no way telling me you are better than me. Awesome.

The second kind, are the hypocrites. Did y'all know the meaning of the word christian? You should if you are going to call yourself one. 

In greek, the word christianos means follower of christ and christianos came from the word christos, which means anointed one. All you christians are calling yourselves anointed christ followers. I hope you aren't giving "christian" a bum rap. That would be unfortunate for the christ followers that are living out their lives as christ does in the bible. 

The reason I wanted to take that rabbit trail for a minute is to emphasize my frustration with hypocritical christians. The christ I remember finding myself mesmerized with, was someone who lived a life of love. He was just, but loving. He reminded people that it was not their place to judge others. 

Here is a passage from Luke that I took from biblegateway.com, this is from The Message.

^37-38"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don't condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you'll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity."

 ^39-40He quoted a proverb: "'Can a blind man guide a blind man?' Wouldn't they both end up in the ditch? An apprentice doesn't lecture the master. The point is to be careful who you follow as your teacher.

 ^41-42"It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this I-know-better-than-you mentality again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your own part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

It's interesting to me how many christians forget this parable. I think they just don't like it and decide to pretend they forgot about it. Because what fun is it to be equals when you can be above someone right?

Part of my hiatus from christianity, is because I see too many non-christians living lives that I can imagine would bring god more glory that the lives of so many "christians" I know. 

I believe in love. And when I see more christians living out lives of love instead of lives of judgment on others, I will consider affiliating myself with the religion again. 

Until then, I will continue to explore different religions by reading books and articles, and talking to people about their views. I don't think I will go to hell for that. But if I do, I guess I am no closer than I am right now.

Exceptional.

Today whilst biking to work at 4:30 in the morning, I was thinking about things I find to be exceptionally beautiful. Then all day, when I would see something or think of something, I just kept adding to my mental list. And this is what I came up with.

Birds in pairs. I love how they always manage to find each other and fly together. Its beautiful the picture of commitment that they paint. You don't see commitment much anymore. The divorce rate for first marriages alone is over 40%, and it only goes up with each marriage after that. Its sick how bad people are at getting married. But with birds, you see them fly up and go separate directions, but they always fly towards each other. And that is why I find birds in pairs to be beautiful.

Tomatoes. I think they are beautiful. Why? I don't know. 

I love how many different kinds there are. There are so many colors and shapes and sizes, and they are all so closely related. For some reason, I find that to be exceptionally beautiful.  

Families. Not all of them. But the rare family that truly loves and cherishes each other. They are together through thick and thin. They show each other their love with their words and actions. This my friends, is a thing of beauty. 

When children call their parent daddy or mommy. For some reason it always makes my heart smile. 

Adoption. There is a woman who comes into work on Saturday mornings with her daughter that she adopted. She has given up so much, but it is all so worth it. There are too many kids in the world without families that I think, why wouldn't someone adopt? Even if you are not adopting from another country, just taking in someone who needs a family, is a beautiful thing. When someone can think of another family as their own, and know that they will always be, I find this to be a true picture of love. 

The morning air. It is heavy with dew, but crisp and cool. This is the time of day that everyone needs to experience. Don't sleep in all the time, go outside before the sun rises, and be as quiet and still as the air. Watch the sunrise. You will never regret it. 

Laughter. Always amazing. I don't care why you are laughing, (as long as it isn't hurting someone else), and as long as it is real. When people laugh, I feel like they are showing, for a brief moment, their transparent side. Making someone laugh feels great, and almost always, a best friend is someone who makes you laugh. Why? Because it feels good and is beautiful! We all need to laugh more. 

That's all for today. There are a million beautiful things in the world. Sometimes we just need to slow down and see them.

I need someone to interpret my dreams!

I have been having some seriously crazy dreams... They are so strange. I go through phases where I have weird dreams like this though. So I will tell them to you and for those of you who can interpret dreams, let me know what you think. These are in order of the nights I had them.

I was about 8 months pregnant and in a relationship with someone that I have shared nothing more than a kiss with. But I really love this person and I don't think they will ever love me back. I've been thinking about them a lot lately and I just want to get over them. But it isn't looking like I will anytime soon.

Then the next night it was that my little Joey was having a kid as well. Crazy considering he is only 16. I would kick him in the crotch if I found out he knocked up some girl. Not cool Joe! Keep it in your pants!

Next I had a dream that I was getting married. It was a legit wedding dream! It fully weirded me out. I was in my dress (which I looked fabulous in!) and about to walk down the aisle. I got nervous and my sister told me not to be nervous because the relationship was perfect and I shouldn't be nervous about sharing my life with this person. But as soon as it was time to walk, I couldn't because I was just too scared.

Ok, this one sucks. I was at a funeral with my new boyfriend who happened to be a guy I met that day at Champs... It was a distant family members funeral and we had to go to another funeral right after this one. I was getting annoyed though because Tyrone kept calling me his white sugar and being all touchy-feely in front of my dad. I was pissed and then my dad made a comment about me dumping the mexican. I told him, "dad, he is obviously black" and he said, "same thing." It was weird. So I got mad and we were going to head out to the next funeral and I told him it was important that I go because it was Kathy Griffin's funeral and I just love her. Then my dad told me it was not her funeral but my grandmas. Then I woke up.

I think I cried from this one considering my grama is one of my favorite people in the world.

Ok, that is it so far. I am afraid to go to bed at night out of fear of what dreams I will have. There have been a few other weird ones, but I can't remember them like I did these ones. 

So, if you have any insight, shoot it my way! I am curious what people think.

Well that was fun

This is a response to my last blog. Let me start this by saying... it was SO fun to write. 

I got some sweet reactions to it, which is exactly what I was looking for. So, here, I will address some of the responses.

I will start with the negatives. Bad news first right?

For those of you who told me I am going to hell, you know who you are....

I think I said right away in the last post, that I was going to be honest with you and don't judge me. If you don't want to read my blog, don't. I am not forcing you to, you don't have to "follow" me. I don't give a shit if I have no followers. How will that affect me? Hmmm, not at all. So, if you don't like what I have to say, then don't follow my blog.

I have mentioned to many people how I hate "christians" that are full of themselves, "holier than thou," judgmental ass holes. If you are one of those people that read the blog and told me or someone else that I am a horrible person and I am going to hell, then you are one of those people that turn so many people off of the idea of christianity. You are the reason christians are called hypocrites. At least I say it how it is. Be mad if you want, but keep it to yourself, I get enough shit from people that I don't need it from you too.

And to those of you who were supportive of me, whether it be my ideas, or the fact that you said you were thinking of me and would pray for me, or you had some advice for me, thank you. I appreciate it wholeheartedly. It is so good to know I have a few people in my life that won't judge me, but will instead be patient with me and talk to me about it instead of at me. I won't name names, because I didn't ask permission to use these quotes. But I want to share with you what some "good christian people" had to say to me.

*whoever reads these, this was a tiny excerpt of a very long insightful message, this people are amazing people and christ followers. They may have agreed with me about some things I said, but they also gave great advice.

"Church today is just tough. It is a series of programs. And people, know it or not, are asleep. They are sleep walking through programs that are designed by paid staff. And this paid staff has an inner circle of overly committed lay people who enjoy the power and privileges of knowing the paid staff. And there is a land grab for power that comes in the form of being in charge of things, like the sanctuary, or where the flowers or pizza is bought...etc. So I share your struggle with Church. I also share your trait at community, authenticity and truth. I yearn for it, long for it...in a culture where it no longer exists. It's gone, and may never come back."

*whoever reads this, this was a tiny excerpt of a very long insightful message, this person is an amazing person and christ follower. They may have agreed with me about some things I said, but they also gave great advice. 

Thank you for this note, you know who you are. I appreciate your honesty when giving advice. I respect you and your spouse. Each time I have talked with either of you, or your "fricken" cute kids, I have felt an authenticity about you. I know that advice from you all would be from the heart, honest, and out of love. I cried when reading your note because if felt true. Thank you so much for your words.

"I just want you to know that I think that what you said in your blog is awesome and I hope that whoever you are talking about/to will read it and hear what you are saying...

...I can't be so honest because my (spouse) is in ministry and I don't want it to affect them or the minstry. In my heart I know that God is good, and 'ministry' is good. I just am not feeling that people are all that 'good'."

Thank you as well for your kind words. It makes me sad when people can't be totally honest about how they feel. I am not out looking to be people to tell me they agree or feel the same way, but it is nice to hear sometimes. Especially from someone as involved in ministry as you, and with a spouse so involved. I also respect your opinion and I hope you don't stop giving it. :)

"There is something unique inside of you that this world needs - look for it, and then pursue it without fear. Failure happens to all of us - it's impossible to accomplish anything truly beautiful without it. It's a scary, but essential, part of the process."

D, you posted this for everyone to see. So I can't keep you secret! Thank you for the encouragement and prayer. I have not known you well, but I always enjoyed seeing you whether it was brief or we got to chat. Thank you for being you.

"I do not judge you because I have struggled with my own insecurities of being scared of failure and of feeling rejected.  Sucks.  But as my therapist said to me, I will say to you.  You need to face them head on.  I struggle with that daily.  So as I pray for God to help me with that, I will pray for you as well friend.  Know that I am always here.  I might not agree or like everything you do, but I will always love you.  Who am I to judge?  The Lord knows I am far from perfect." 

Dear person who wrote this,

I love you. I have respected your opinion when I wouldn't listen to anyone else. You have been so kind to me the past couple years, I couldn't thank you enough. I know you are strong in your faith and I respect that as well. I so appreciate your kind words whenever we talk. You have been an encouragement for me and I will always remember and be thankful for that. 

Those were some of the responses that I appreciated most. Even the ones I mentioned about me going to hell. Thanks everyone. 

I want you all to know, I didn't say that I DON'T believe in god and that I won't. I am just questioning some thing right now. I am evaluating my life and the people in it. I am not currently screwing up my life even though I don't make the best decisions each time I have to make one, so I appreciate your advice, but until I really start heading in the direction of a regret filled life, I don't need you breathing down my neck.

Once again, thanks everyone who reads this and responds to me.  

Clarity, noun- clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding

This whole clarity thing... yeah... it is lacking in my life right now. I don't want the rest of my life to be set in stone, and I sure as hell don't want to know exactly what it would look like if it was. But I do want some clarity. I don't think that is asking too much.

So, lets play a game, its called Me Being Honest With You. The sequel is called Don't Judge Me

Here are the rules, I will tell you whats on my mind... maybe more than I should, and you can read it if you want, or not. Then the sequel, which is best played right after Me Being Honest With You, goes like this... don't judge me. It is quite simple, play along if you feel like it.

I have pretty much quit going to church, quit praying, quit asking for "godly" advice, etc, because I suck at it. All of it. I don't enjoy church much, I enjoy the friends I have met at church, but not the rest of it. I have a hard time praying, I find it to be a waste of time most days, I feel like I am taking time to, in my head, "talk" to a god that I have no idea if he exists or not, and I could instead be actually talking to someone who will talk back. And I don't ask for "godly" advice, because I have found that in the process, the person giving the advice, is usually quite condescending because what I am doing is that which a heathen would do. So, if your advice is to pray or ask advice of a good christian person, I will take note of your advice, tuck it away in the back of my head, and probably not do it.

I tell you that so you won't tell me to pray about what I am about to write.

I feel so confused with my life as it is right now. And here is why-

I feel (as I have for as long as I can remember) that I have no effing idea what the hell I should do with my life. As some of you (depending on how well you know me) are aware, I get an idea in my head, and think that it is the best idea in the world. Like, I should be a teacher... oh wait, kids piss me off too often. I should be a lawyer (I wanted to be a divorce lawyer) because so many people get divorced and I am damn good at fighting my point and the point of whoever else. Oh wait, I hated high school, and barely graduated... no law school would accept me. I should go into Child Protection Services, but what I want to do, is what I see in the movies, not sitting behind a desk pushing papers. I should join the Peace Corps, oh wait, America pisses me off and I want nothing to do with the government here. I should go in the missions field, oh wait, I don't know if I could tell people about a god that I have a hard time believing in.

I put so much of myself into these ideas and I want them so bad it hurts. But I am so afraid of failing that I don't bother... just in case I would fail. So, I move on. The problem with this mentality, is that I feel like a failure every time I don't do what I set out to do.

Part of the reason I am pursuing my Culinary Arts degree is because I know that I love to cook and it is something I think I could actually do. And now, I am so sick of feeling like a failure, that I won't back down on this one.

But all this not backing down isn't helping my current mindset either. I am frustrated and on the verge of quitting again. The school isn't too expensive, but I have myself in a bit of a financial pickle, and I don't know if I can afford the down payment to hold my spot. I need to pay off my credit card, pay the down payment, figure out the vehicle situation, and do this all by the end of July?? How the hell am I supposed to do that when I haven't gotten a paycheck in months?? I just got a job, so that will help big time. But I don't know if it will be soon enough. So I am feeling like I should give up my spot at Napa Valley College and hope for the best next year. That way I can save money and hopefully not have any money issues then. But on the other hand... (I am sorry mom) I don't know if I could live at home or find a place to live cheap enough for it to be worth staying in MN much longer. I want to be out in Cali right now... but that obviously isn't an option yet. This is quite the dilemma in my world.

You want clarity from me like I want it from you? Then have the balls to ask me about it, or lets just call it what it is, a friendship that is no more. It breaks my heart to say that because I am lover, but I don't need the hurt that you cause me. Lets just make the friendship, or lack of, clear. I am wanting clarity, and if you won't offer that, then get out of my way. This is a new day and I am not letting you affect me anymore.

This is why I never bothered to get close to people or when I did, I pushed them away before we got close enough for this shit. I had the right idea and was convinced I was wrong for that. But look at me now. Was it so wrong to look out for myself when no one else would? Had I cut ties earlier on, I wouldn't feel like shit now. I am not blaming anyone for trying to help, I am just frustrated with how it turned out.

I am searching for clarity within my life, future, relationships and everything else. Don't get in my way. You can love me or not. But lets not play games anymore. I quit pretending when I was five.

Doritos

So, as of my last post, I was still living with my roommates. A lot has changed in the short time since then.

We have all moved out of our crash pad called House On Wynne and found new places to call home. It was a sad day when we all started packing. But we went out with a bang. What else would my crazy house do in such a situation? Nothing but party is the correct answer. I hope you got it right! 

We had quite the Canadian Connection as we called it. The reason for the Canadian theme you might ask? We don't have an answer. But lets just say, it was as Canadian and Redneck as you can get. We had all you can eat pancakes along with all you can guzzle maple syrup, all you can drink beer and cocktails, all you can wrestle mud, and all you could need awesome. I will share a few pictures with you so you can get an idea.

Here is Serena and myself, preparing the mud pit, and respecting the Canadian Flag.

Here we are with Serena looking as gay as possible, and me looking like I love it. Rock on.

Nothing but love at H.O.W.

This one is in here just so you can see the gas can... Don't worry you guys, there was no gas in it. Just some awesome apple cider vodka drink that Serena made. We used it to take shots out of. Redneck much?

This is my cooking apron, it isn't Canadian in the least, it is just in here because it is the only picture of my face not covered in mud where you can see my mountie hat, my mustache, my police badge so everyone knows that I am the law, and my gun. This is how we do Canadia! 

Can I just say one thing... as inappropriate as this looks.... you should see the apron w/o the bikini... ooph

The neighbors on both sides of the house partied with us for a lot of the night, it was a good time. I can't show you anymore pictures from the night... not because they are inappropriate, but because our photographer had another party she had to go to. So, you will just have to imagine the rest. Good luck. Needless to say, we had a fantastic time and it was a great way to end out reign at House On Wynne.

Since then, I have moved back home so I can put all my money away in order to pay for school. I got a job at a bar just a few miles away, but then got fired before I even started... It was quite the confusing situation... especially since the boss fired me via text message. Because an actual phone call or real communication is for losers I guess. Oh well, today I was hired at a cafe called Sandella's. So I start on Monday. It should be a good job and I am looking forward to it.

What else is new?? Hmmm,

Not a lot. I got my motorcycle permit. 

I have started seeing this guy named Nick. We are not a couple yet, we will see what happens there.

I am hanging out with some old HS friends again. The few that I actually liked. It is pretty awesome seeing them again.

And I am reconnecting with my family in a more real way then when you just stop by for a visit. It is good. Although it can be stressful at times, or just straight up annoying, it is also good. 

That is all for now. 


ps, the title of the post has nothing to do with the post. I just want some Doritos...

What Blog?

I am pretty sure it has been 15 years since I have blogged last. Here's why, I would think about it, know what I could blog about, then forget it. Too much work. But alas, there is a lot that has, is, or is about to happen with me. And I feel better when I blog since it is a journal in a way. So, here is, in a nut shell, what has happened with me in the last forever.

I quit my jobs in Rochester, moved to the cities without much of a plan. I decided on which school I was going to go to, got accepted, went through all the paper work... it was Le Cordon Bleu... for oh the minuscule amount of $42,500 a year... no biggie. Then decided with my Mom, step-dad, and Cheryl's help that it was a complete waste of money and that there are much better schools out there for the money. But we will get back to that in a minute.
I moved in with some bomb roomies. I live in a hippie communal house right now. It is a six bedroom in the Como Park area of St. Paul. 6 of us live there and we are a pretty fun group to say the least. I love them and I couldn't have gotten a better living situation for my stay in St. Paul. I say "for my stay in St. Paul," because I am not going to be in St. Paul very long. In fact, our douche baggish landlord is evicting us so they can sell the house. They aren't douche bags because they want to sell the house, so please don't take that the wrong way. They are douche bags because the chick is an ex cop and should know the laws, yet she chooses to violate our privacy on a number of occasions. So, she is a law breaking douche.
Anyway, we are all out at the end of the month, in less that 3 weeks... sweet. At that point I am going to stay with my family for a few months until I move again. Yes, move... again. I guess staying in one place just isn't my thing. So, I sold all my stuff so I don't have as much to move and I am hitting the road in July for..... wait for it.... waaaiiiitttttt........ wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiitttttttttt...........

CALIFORNIA!!!

Woohoo! Yes, you read that right, I am actually making the move. I have been accepted into a school out there for the Culinary Arts and I start in September. So, I will chill here until after my birthday and save up as much money as I can so I won't have as much to worry about when I get out there. Then I can get a job before school starts and get settled into a place.
Then come September, I will be working hard (or hardly working?) I will be attending Napa Valley School, but I will be in St. Helena at the Cooking School branch.
Its a pretty bomb ass school, and here is why,
They only accept 20 students a year, there are only two teachers, but many guest speakers and teachers, they cost less than half the price of LCB, they have a great focus on sustainability (for those of you who care about God's planet,) they have a big garden with a lot of the herbs and veggies we use and they have a flock of chickens we will care for a use, and THEY ARE IN NAPA!!!
Needless to say, I am quite excited about it.
It should be a great experience and I couldn't be more sure about something. The doors were opened up so much smoother than LCB and this time I feel confident in my choice. I have my mom, step dad and Cheryl to thank for the encouragement and help with this.

So, let's see, we covered me leaving Roch, moving to STP, school... both of them, my future move to CA... I think that is about it...

Oh yeah, I have also become a hooker and drug addict... We have a harem in the basement where all my other hooker friends are, it is right next to the meth lab, which is just to the right of the cages where we keep our pitbulls for dog fights. We also have a little room for our shrooms, thats how we pay for our meth lab, which is how we pay for all our coke. Its a great set up.
God Bless.