Tuesday, October 5, 2010

This is who I am

I have been spending a lot of time with my mom lately. It is so great to be closer to her and be able to spend time with her. I stayed at my mom and Dan's house for almost 2 weeks... it started as "Hey Cheekie, do you want to come over for the night?" And two weeks later, I am being dropped off at home. Anyway, all this time alone with my mom and the little chats we have got me thinking.
Who do I want to be when I grow up? What kind of person do I see myself becoming? Who will I marry? Where will I live? All this stupid crap that I don't want to think about.
I hate thinking about those things. #1, because I have no idea what the hell I am doing with my life, and #2 because if I think it, then I feel like I have no choice but to go for it, and when I fail (because I am really good at that) then I will be disappointed in myself. But I get these constant reminders from her, and they go something like this, "You don't need to have your life figured out yet." or "Who cares if you change your mind, everyone does it. And you would rather change your mind now than spend money on something you will change your mind about later." She tells me these things and I feel like I have heard them before... Oh yeah, because I have. But I never let it sink in. I never listened to the people who told that to me because I didn't want them to be right. I wanted to be right, I wanted to never have to change my mind, I wanted to know exactly what I wanted and never have a second thought about it. But lets get real... that never happens.
So as of today, this is who I am and who I want to be. But I don't have to stay this way, I can change and I can change my mind. I reserve the right. And I reserve the right to not care if and/or when you don't like it.

I am Diane Muriel Satriano. Yes, that is my middle name, I am finally saying it. I will no longer tell people it is Ariel, which I did for a year or so when I was really young. And I won't say it is Marie, which I always wanted it to be, because I loved my aunty Marie and thought my middle name should be after her. I am Diane Muriel Satriano. For the rest of my life... that is until I hyphenate or ditch the last name when I get married.

I am 21 years old. And just like almost every other 21 year old, I love to drink. And I don't need to hear about how I will go to hell because of it. I love to drink beer, dark beer only. I love whisky, I love rum and I love vodka. You know what I love more than beer and hard liquor? Both of those at a karaoke bar. Yes, I am a bad singer, but I love drunk singing at the bar more than probably anything. Few things make me happier than being drunk and having a large selection of country music, 80s music and 90s music to choose from.

I also love to smoke. More so when I drink. But I love my cigarettes. They are my vice. And I don't care how horrible that is. This is who I am. I have been smoking for years, and if I hid it from you until now, then what right would anyone have to be angry? It's not even that big of a deal. I don't do it around people that are offended, I don't smoke in front of people who hate the smell and I never ever ever smoke around children. And I almost always wait to smoke until I know I won't see anyone the rest of the day that would hate if they smelled it on me. At least I am a considerate smoker.

I likecountry music. GASP! I love it actually. In fact I love it so much, that I have become more shallow as I listen to it. I will only marry a hick now. Where is my redneck romeo? I need a man who will be the man in the relationship. No fairies please! He better call me woman, tell me to make him sandwiches, and say "fetch me a beer." That is what I want. Cowboy hats and boots are necessary. 1969 Dennis Hopper, if I could have you I would die a happy woman.

I want to be a chef. I love to cook. I don't do enough of it right now, but I love it. I want to go to school and learn all there is to learn about cooking. Someday, I would love to have my own catering business. Unless of course, I decide to become a housewife for my redneck husband. And in that case, I will always have dinner on the table by 7. Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I want to become a chef is because I truly believe women belong in the kitchen. I actually heard a funny joke the other day (thanks Joey) and it goes like this, Why don't women wear watches? Because there is a clock on the stove! ba dum chhhh
Thank you, thank you, funny, I know. But lets not forget how true it is.
No but seriously, I love to cook, I am so amazed by it. I love how you can take the simplest of ingredients and make something so good. I want to be able to do that someday. People remember those dishes that made their mouths water and still do. They remember them and crave them. They talk about them. And someday I want to be the one to make those dishes for people.
Its like this bruschetta that I had once in Denver with my sister. We went to this Italian restaurant that was just amazing. We ordered goat cheese bruschetta for our appetizer and it was so good! We both took and bite and made the same exact yummy sound at the exact same time. I love when we do that. Sometimes I think we are twins at heart. Anyway, it was fabulous. And I will remember that bruschetta and will crave it probably forever.

I love tattoos and piercings. A lot. And I plan on getting more. Tattoos that is, I probably won't get any more piercings. I have a few ideas on the tattoos I want, but I won't tell you until I actually plan on getting them. I need a friend who is a tattoo artist. Any takers? I will pay you somehow. I just don't know how yet. Maybe we can work out a deal eh?

Oh, here's a good one. I love dressing the way I do. I don't care if I am told I look "extra gay" today. I like wearing jeans, button up shirts, hats, and watches. Deal with it. I am still getting the guys with my awesome cleavage.

I want to move out to California for school next year. I will reapply in January for NVC and hopefully move out there this spring or summer. That is, if I can get my financial stuff in order this time. I am not good with finances. And I know it. I like to spend my money when I get it. I have never been good at saving, I need to work on it. I need to remember that if I save, I am working towards the goal I want more than the clothes, tattoos, and parties.

I want to live in the south someday. I love the dirty south. And I have to make my hubby happy. And since he will be a redneck, I assume he will want to live somewhere in the south. But not in Kentucky hopefully. I still have a bench warrant out for my arrest there...

Also, I am the master at running away. Not like running away from home. I have never done that. I think I would have been too much of a pussy about that. I could never have left the comfort of home as a kid, no matter how mad I got at my dad and his wife or my mom.
But now, I am the master at it. I don't run away and not tell anyone where I am going. But I leave when the the "going gets tough." As a kid I lived with my dad most of my life. I lived with my grama and grampa in elementary school for a little bit when things got hard at home. Then in Jr High, my dad moved to Roch, I wasn't happy about it and I ran to my mom. I lived with her until after High School. Then I ran to my dad in Roch when my mom and I started butting heads. I got sick of living with my dad pretty quick so I left. I lived with a family that took me in. But I never felt settled there. The plan was to get roomies when I moved in with them anyway, so its good I didn't feel settled. I moved out. My roomies sucked. So I moved out again... with a different family. Things were fine for a while. But I am who I am, and if you don't like it that doesn't mean I will change for you. So when things got bad there (job and living situation) I quit my job and moved back to the cities. I stayed with my aunt until I could get a job and pay rent somewhere. I found the best roomies anyone could ever ask for. I loved them and I still miss them actually. But the landlords daughter was a bitch and we all had to leave. So, we all left. I moved in with my mom again. But we are not good roommates. So I live with my grandparents now. And honestly, it is not cool. I love them, they are great. But the living situation is not ideal. I am ready to run away. This is who I am. I run away.
And I push people away. When I feel like I am getting too close, I leave. That is partially why I run away I think. I leave before someone can hurt me. And that's what happens with everyone. No one will not hurt you. Everyone lets you down at some point. And I try to leave before it is a serious let down. It's what I am good at. That is why I never stay in a relationship. It is easier to date for a little bit and have fun. Then give it up before it gets serious.
I know it isn't ideal, I don't want to be the person that runs away every time but it is easy for now. Someday I will change, but for now, this is easy and it works for me.

The reason I am writing this now is because I am getting called out on some things in my life. So I want to clarify to everyone who I am.
This is who I am. Diane Muriel Satriano. If you like it great, if not then I suppose it is best not to waste our time. And I am fine with that.

1 comment:

  1. I love you Diane! You were awesome when I first met you, you're awesome now and I will still think you're awesome in the future. I miss my Diane!


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