Clarity, noun- clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding

This whole clarity thing... yeah... it is lacking in my life right now. I don't want the rest of my life to be set in stone, and I sure as hell don't want to know exactly what it would look like if it was. But I do want some clarity. I don't think that is asking too much.

So, lets play a game, its called Me Being Honest With You. The sequel is called Don't Judge Me

Here are the rules, I will tell you whats on my mind... maybe more than I should, and you can read it if you want, or not. Then the sequel, which is best played right after Me Being Honest With You, goes like this... don't judge me. It is quite simple, play along if you feel like it.

I have pretty much quit going to church, quit praying, quit asking for "godly" advice, etc, because I suck at it. All of it. I don't enjoy church much, I enjoy the friends I have met at church, but not the rest of it. I have a hard time praying, I find it to be a waste of time most days, I feel like I am taking time to, in my head, "talk" to a god that I have no idea if he exists or not, and I could instead be actually talking to someone who will talk back. And I don't ask for "godly" advice, because I have found that in the process, the person giving the advice, is usually quite condescending because what I am doing is that which a heathen would do. So, if your advice is to pray or ask advice of a good christian person, I will take note of your advice, tuck it away in the back of my head, and probably not do it.

I tell you that so you won't tell me to pray about what I am about to write.

I feel so confused with my life as it is right now. And here is why-

I feel (as I have for as long as I can remember) that I have no effing idea what the hell I should do with my life. As some of you (depending on how well you know me) are aware, I get an idea in my head, and think that it is the best idea in the world. Like, I should be a teacher... oh wait, kids piss me off too often. I should be a lawyer (I wanted to be a divorce lawyer) because so many people get divorced and I am damn good at fighting my point and the point of whoever else. Oh wait, I hated high school, and barely graduated... no law school would accept me. I should go into Child Protection Services, but what I want to do, is what I see in the movies, not sitting behind a desk pushing papers. I should join the Peace Corps, oh wait, America pisses me off and I want nothing to do with the government here. I should go in the missions field, oh wait, I don't know if I could tell people about a god that I have a hard time believing in.

I put so much of myself into these ideas and I want them so bad it hurts. But I am so afraid of failing that I don't bother... just in case I would fail. So, I move on. The problem with this mentality, is that I feel like a failure every time I don't do what I set out to do.

Part of the reason I am pursuing my Culinary Arts degree is because I know that I love to cook and it is something I think I could actually do. And now, I am so sick of feeling like a failure, that I won't back down on this one.

But all this not backing down isn't helping my current mindset either. I am frustrated and on the verge of quitting again. The school isn't too expensive, but I have myself in a bit of a financial pickle, and I don't know if I can afford the down payment to hold my spot. I need to pay off my credit card, pay the down payment, figure out the vehicle situation, and do this all by the end of July?? How the hell am I supposed to do that when I haven't gotten a paycheck in months?? I just got a job, so that will help big time. But I don't know if it will be soon enough. So I am feeling like I should give up my spot at Napa Valley College and hope for the best next year. That way I can save money and hopefully not have any money issues then. But on the other hand... (I am sorry mom) I don't know if I could live at home or find a place to live cheap enough for it to be worth staying in MN much longer. I want to be out in Cali right now... but that obviously isn't an option yet. This is quite the dilemma in my world.

You want clarity from me like I want it from you? Then have the balls to ask me about it, or lets just call it what it is, a friendship that is no more. It breaks my heart to say that because I am lover, but I don't need the hurt that you cause me. Lets just make the friendship, or lack of, clear. I am wanting clarity, and if you won't offer that, then get out of my way. This is a new day and I am not letting you affect me anymore.

This is why I never bothered to get close to people or when I did, I pushed them away before we got close enough for this shit. I had the right idea and was convinced I was wrong for that. But look at me now. Was it so wrong to look out for myself when no one else would? Had I cut ties earlier on, I wouldn't feel like shit now. I am not blaming anyone for trying to help, I am just frustrated with how it turned out.

I am searching for clarity within my life, future, relationships and everything else. Don't get in my way. You can love me or not. But lets not play games anymore. I quit pretending when I was five.