Picking the apple

Oh my God, how you make it hard
Not to pick the apple
Pick the apple
And Lord how I long to give it back

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82ctJPv_kGU

Listen to the song. Its a good one. It is called Forgive Me by Missy Higgins.

I won't write much on this blog because I think it is best to think about yourself. I just really like this song because it gets me thinking about past mistakes, forgiveness, and wishing we could take things back, give them back, or just forget them.
We have all made bad choices in the past. But if we could, would we really change the past? It could totally alter who we are today, and is that something that we would sacrifice if we had the chance? I don't know what I would do. I like to think that I wouldn't change the past since it has made me the person I am today. But who knows... since I can't do it, I guess I will never really know what I would do in the situation. But it is something to think about.
It reminds me of an analogy I read in a book a while ago. It was a father talking to his daughter about our problems in life. He asked his daughter something along the lines of, "If we could put our problems into a paper bag, and throw that bag into a big pile with everyone else's problems. And then we could take our bag back, or take someone else's, what would you do?" We all have problems and we don't like having them. But I would take my own bag.
Anyway, that was a side note...
I am just glad that we have God's forgivness. We may have our faults and regret our pasts, but God loves us anyway. And that is so comforting. So, even though we find it hard not to pick the apple, and after we do, we just want more than anything to give it back, it doesn't matter. God loves us anyway, we can pick all the apples in the world, but if we believe in God, repent to Him and pray for help to turn from our bad behaviors, He will love us as if we are perfect, because in His eyes, we will be. What could be more comforting than that?
Ok, that is all for tonight. I just had to write down what I was thinking before I forgot.

...and I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away.

And I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But just like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=hiding%20my%20heart%20away&rls=com.microsoft:*:IE-SearchBox&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=ie7&rlz=1I7DKUS&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wv#q=brandi+carlile+hiding+my+heart+away+&hl=en&emb=0


Those are some lyrics and the music to one of my favorite Brandi Carlile songs, and after a comment from someone, I got to thinking about them.
I have been thinking about the way we tend to hide our hearts and feelings away from so many people. And not just from strangers or acquaintances, but from our good friends as well.
I wonder to myself often times, if I don't hide my heart, that someone will have a different view of me. And its sad that many people will have a different view.
I then got to thinking about who I might hide my heart from. I thought about who I care enough about to let them actually see me. Who do I think to myself "I don't care if they like me or not" or "I really want them to like me and love me, the way I do for them"... and what effects do those feelings have on the way we act toward them.

Here is what I began to realize about myself-

I even try to hide my heart from God sometimes... Like that would work! I fear what I can't understand. God's love for me in incomprehensible. The fact that He loves me no matter what is in my past, present and future. Its just crazy to think about, and because I just can't understand that God, the maker of the universe and everything in it and outside of it, the perfect One, would love me... a failure and a loser, for everything I am... I try to hide my heart from what it doesn't understand.

I can understand people at least a little bit, but I still hide my hearts from them... why is that? Because they are not perfect, because they change, their views change, their love changes... that's why.

There are very very few people that I let in almost completely. I can think of only two actually... and that is it. These people know the good, the bad, the ugly, the lies, the truth, the pain and everything else. I can't think of anything that I have wanted to lie to these people about. And I never worry about what they will think of me. It is great to have someone like that in my life. And even better, is that they know each other. It is awesome to sit with both of them and be able to talk about life and all that comes with it. I wouldn't trade their friendship for any other. I hope that everyone has someone in their life like this.

Then there are the people that I let in the front door, but once inside, the bedroom doors and closet doors remain closed. There are people who I love and talk to about a lot, but there are certain topics on which I will not touch. And those topics will not be touched out of fear that they will not like what is behind that door or what I have to say, and because of that, they will not like me or love me the way I do for them.
I would say that most people in my life are this type of friend. And it is my own fear that does this, not the way they are. Because if we really think about it, if those people will change their view of us over something so earthly and minuscule, then how great of a friend were they to begin with? Its not hard to be a "friend" whos view of you will change so easily, it take someone special to love you for who you really are.


So, why do we hide our hearts and our feelings? Is our God not an emotional God? Would He not understand? He declared David to be a man after His own heart. And David was one of the most emotional people ever! He did write the Psalms after all... So what makes us think that we need to hide our hearts away?

I won't be that person to hide my heart and not open the doors. I want to feel free enough to let you in to my heart. That is my prayer, that I can work on this part of my life, and that I can be honest about my feelings with not only God, but with myself and others as well.

Two sides?

Do you ever think about the other side to the story? The fact that, no matter how adamant you are about something, there is always another side to it?

Today I went to go see The Reader. It was an interesting movie... it was hard to sit through, not just for the awkward and very revealing sexual scenes, but also for the way you felt about a certain situation in the movie. I hope that if anyone reading this plans on seeing the movie nothing gets spoiled. Maybe just stop reading if that is the case!

It was about a woman in her 30s who had an affair with a 15 or 16 year old boy. It was a very interesting relationship, disgusting but very loving at times... I don't even know, there are no words for how I was feeling about it. This woman worked for Hitler before this affair took place, but you don't know this until later. Long story short, she was a guard at Auschwitz during the war. Years later she was among a group that was put on trial.

Now I don't want to sound like a Nazi or anything, and I hope no one takes this in the wrong way because I am in NO way agreeing with what happened in those camps or to the victims...

The movie was very good at making you think about and realize that there are always two sides to consider. While this woman was on trial she was being asked a lot of questions about why she did this that or the other. She seams to have a screw or two loose (after all, she was sleeping with a child), like she maybe doesn't understand what is going on or what she is saying. But as she is asked specific questions about her job as a guard, she gives answers like she is saying "Well, duh!"

She says how that is just what they did, no questions asked. She even asks the man who is questioning her, "Well, what would you do?" She basically did what she was told, she didn't ask questions, she just did what she had to do. She applied for the job, got it, did the work, and it resulted in her getting tried many years later. Although she may have done horrible things, she was not necesarily a horrible person. And seeing her get life in prison was heartbreaking. Even though she was partly responsible for many many peoples deaths, she was still a person who, once understood, you realize is not someone you want to put in jail. You kind of want to hug her and help her...

Moral of this thought process, there are two sides to everything. I think often times about why I don't want to see the other side. Basically, I like my side and I am sticking to it! ...not a good mentality to have all the time, but that is how we are. I want to start thinking about the other side, I don't want to be stuck in my ways and unable to understand people. There are some issues with which I will not budge, no matter how controvercial they may be. But there are also some issues with which I will not budge because I am selfish... I want to work on this and realize that I am not always right and there are people with ideas about things thay may not be my ideas, but that doesn't make them wrong. Easier said than done, but I will work on it!

Motives

I went on a ski trip with the Salt and Light group from church not long ago. We went out to Spirit Mountain in Duluth. It was such a good time, I love snowboarding, and it was a great weekend for it. But the highlight for me was definitely our speaker. He was amazing and had such a great way of connecting with us.

One of the days his topic was on motives. He simply asked us what our motives are. If we think about it, we have motives for everything we do... they may be selfish or selfless, obvious or not, or we may not even realize we have motives for something. But every little thing we do has a motive behind it. While I was listening to him I was really thinking about what my motives are. At work? At home? With other families? With friends?

He asked what our motives were for going on the ski trip, and I realized how selfish I am. My motives had nothing to do with getting closer to God, they were simply for myself. To make more friends, go snowboarding, and get away from work for a weekend. As I realized how selfish the ski trip motives were, I realized more about my other motives.

I hate to admit it, but my motives are not in the right place much of the time. I don't want to go into detail about all the ways I need to improve my life, so I won't. But I will tell you this, after that weekend, I will be much more conscience of what my motives are behind my actions.

I want my motives to be selfless, I am blessed in so many ways, so why do I need to be selfish? This has been on my mind since the trip, and even just the week we have been back I have caught myself and had to rethink things. It feels good to catch myself before I act in a selfish way.

I challenge you to think about your motives behind your actions. It can be hard to do, but when you change something about yourself for the better, no matter how small, it is well worth the work.