Well that was fun

This is a response to my last blog. Let me start this by saying... it was SO fun to write. 

I got some sweet reactions to it, which is exactly what I was looking for. So, here, I will address some of the responses.

I will start with the negatives. Bad news first right?

For those of you who told me I am going to hell, you know who you are....

I think I said right away in the last post, that I was going to be honest with you and don't judge me. If you don't want to read my blog, don't. I am not forcing you to, you don't have to "follow" me. I don't give a shit if I have no followers. How will that affect me? Hmmm, not at all. So, if you don't like what I have to say, then don't follow my blog.

I have mentioned to many people how I hate "christians" that are full of themselves, "holier than thou," judgmental ass holes. If you are one of those people that read the blog and told me or someone else that I am a horrible person and I am going to hell, then you are one of those people that turn so many people off of the idea of christianity. You are the reason christians are called hypocrites. At least I say it how it is. Be mad if you want, but keep it to yourself, I get enough shit from people that I don't need it from you too.

And to those of you who were supportive of me, whether it be my ideas, or the fact that you said you were thinking of me and would pray for me, or you had some advice for me, thank you. I appreciate it wholeheartedly. It is so good to know I have a few people in my life that won't judge me, but will instead be patient with me and talk to me about it instead of at me. I won't name names, because I didn't ask permission to use these quotes. But I want to share with you what some "good christian people" had to say to me.

*whoever reads these, this was a tiny excerpt of a very long insightful message, this people are amazing people and christ followers. They may have agreed with me about some things I said, but they also gave great advice.

"Church today is just tough. It is a series of programs. And people, know it or not, are asleep. They are sleep walking through programs that are designed by paid staff. And this paid staff has an inner circle of overly committed lay people who enjoy the power and privileges of knowing the paid staff. And there is a land grab for power that comes in the form of being in charge of things, like the sanctuary, or where the flowers or pizza is bought...etc. So I share your struggle with Church. I also share your trait at community, authenticity and truth. I yearn for it, long for it...in a culture where it no longer exists. It's gone, and may never come back."

*whoever reads this, this was a tiny excerpt of a very long insightful message, this person is an amazing person and christ follower. They may have agreed with me about some things I said, but they also gave great advice. 

Thank you for this note, you know who you are. I appreciate your honesty when giving advice. I respect you and your spouse. Each time I have talked with either of you, or your "fricken" cute kids, I have felt an authenticity about you. I know that advice from you all would be from the heart, honest, and out of love. I cried when reading your note because if felt true. Thank you so much for your words.

"I just want you to know that I think that what you said in your blog is awesome and I hope that whoever you are talking about/to will read it and hear what you are saying...

...I can't be so honest because my (spouse) is in ministry and I don't want it to affect them or the minstry. In my heart I know that God is good, and 'ministry' is good. I just am not feeling that people are all that 'good'."

Thank you as well for your kind words. It makes me sad when people can't be totally honest about how they feel. I am not out looking to be people to tell me they agree or feel the same way, but it is nice to hear sometimes. Especially from someone as involved in ministry as you, and with a spouse so involved. I also respect your opinion and I hope you don't stop giving it. :)

"There is something unique inside of you that this world needs - look for it, and then pursue it without fear. Failure happens to all of us - it's impossible to accomplish anything truly beautiful without it. It's a scary, but essential, part of the process."

D, you posted this for everyone to see. So I can't keep you secret! Thank you for the encouragement and prayer. I have not known you well, but I always enjoyed seeing you whether it was brief or we got to chat. Thank you for being you.

"I do not judge you because I have struggled with my own insecurities of being scared of failure and of feeling rejected.  Sucks.  But as my therapist said to me, I will say to you.  You need to face them head on.  I struggle with that daily.  So as I pray for God to help me with that, I will pray for you as well friend.  Know that I am always here.  I might not agree or like everything you do, but I will always love you.  Who am I to judge?  The Lord knows I am far from perfect." 

Dear person who wrote this,

I love you. I have respected your opinion when I wouldn't listen to anyone else. You have been so kind to me the past couple years, I couldn't thank you enough. I know you are strong in your faith and I respect that as well. I so appreciate your kind words whenever we talk. You have been an encouragement for me and I will always remember and be thankful for that. 

Those were some of the responses that I appreciated most. Even the ones I mentioned about me going to hell. Thanks everyone. 

I want you all to know, I didn't say that I DON'T believe in god and that I won't. I am just questioning some thing right now. I am evaluating my life and the people in it. I am not currently screwing up my life even though I don't make the best decisions each time I have to make one, so I appreciate your advice, but until I really start heading in the direction of a regret filled life, I don't need you breathing down my neck.

Once again, thanks everyone who reads this and responds to me.  

Clarity, noun- clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding

This whole clarity thing... yeah... it is lacking in my life right now. I don't want the rest of my life to be set in stone, and I sure as hell don't want to know exactly what it would look like if it was. But I do want some clarity. I don't think that is asking too much.

So, lets play a game, its called Me Being Honest With You. The sequel is called Don't Judge Me

Here are the rules, I will tell you whats on my mind... maybe more than I should, and you can read it if you want, or not. Then the sequel, which is best played right after Me Being Honest With You, goes like this... don't judge me. It is quite simple, play along if you feel like it.

I have pretty much quit going to church, quit praying, quit asking for "godly" advice, etc, because I suck at it. All of it. I don't enjoy church much, I enjoy the friends I have met at church, but not the rest of it. I have a hard time praying, I find it to be a waste of time most days, I feel like I am taking time to, in my head, "talk" to a god that I have no idea if he exists or not, and I could instead be actually talking to someone who will talk back. And I don't ask for "godly" advice, because I have found that in the process, the person giving the advice, is usually quite condescending because what I am doing is that which a heathen would do. So, if your advice is to pray or ask advice of a good christian person, I will take note of your advice, tuck it away in the back of my head, and probably not do it.

I tell you that so you won't tell me to pray about what I am about to write.

I feel so confused with my life as it is right now. And here is why-

I feel (as I have for as long as I can remember) that I have no effing idea what the hell I should do with my life. As some of you (depending on how well you know me) are aware, I get an idea in my head, and think that it is the best idea in the world. Like, I should be a teacher... oh wait, kids piss me off too often. I should be a lawyer (I wanted to be a divorce lawyer) because so many people get divorced and I am damn good at fighting my point and the point of whoever else. Oh wait, I hated high school, and barely graduated... no law school would accept me. I should go into Child Protection Services, but what I want to do, is what I see in the movies, not sitting behind a desk pushing papers. I should join the Peace Corps, oh wait, America pisses me off and I want nothing to do with the government here. I should go in the missions field, oh wait, I don't know if I could tell people about a god that I have a hard time believing in.

I put so much of myself into these ideas and I want them so bad it hurts. But I am so afraid of failing that I don't bother... just in case I would fail. So, I move on. The problem with this mentality, is that I feel like a failure every time I don't do what I set out to do.

Part of the reason I am pursuing my Culinary Arts degree is because I know that I love to cook and it is something I think I could actually do. And now, I am so sick of feeling like a failure, that I won't back down on this one.

But all this not backing down isn't helping my current mindset either. I am frustrated and on the verge of quitting again. The school isn't too expensive, but I have myself in a bit of a financial pickle, and I don't know if I can afford the down payment to hold my spot. I need to pay off my credit card, pay the down payment, figure out the vehicle situation, and do this all by the end of July?? How the hell am I supposed to do that when I haven't gotten a paycheck in months?? I just got a job, so that will help big time. But I don't know if it will be soon enough. So I am feeling like I should give up my spot at Napa Valley College and hope for the best next year. That way I can save money and hopefully not have any money issues then. But on the other hand... (I am sorry mom) I don't know if I could live at home or find a place to live cheap enough for it to be worth staying in MN much longer. I want to be out in Cali right now... but that obviously isn't an option yet. This is quite the dilemma in my world.

You want clarity from me like I want it from you? Then have the balls to ask me about it, or lets just call it what it is, a friendship that is no more. It breaks my heart to say that because I am lover, but I don't need the hurt that you cause me. Lets just make the friendship, or lack of, clear. I am wanting clarity, and if you won't offer that, then get out of my way. This is a new day and I am not letting you affect me anymore.

This is why I never bothered to get close to people or when I did, I pushed them away before we got close enough for this shit. I had the right idea and was convinced I was wrong for that. But look at me now. Was it so wrong to look out for myself when no one else would? Had I cut ties earlier on, I wouldn't feel like shit now. I am not blaming anyone for trying to help, I am just frustrated with how it turned out.

I am searching for clarity within my life, future, relationships and everything else. Don't get in my way. You can love me or not. But lets not play games anymore. I quit pretending when I was five.

Doritos

So, as of my last post, I was still living with my roommates. A lot has changed in the short time since then.

We have all moved out of our crash pad called House On Wynne and found new places to call home. It was a sad day when we all started packing. But we went out with a bang. What else would my crazy house do in such a situation? Nothing but party is the correct answer. I hope you got it right! 

We had quite the Canadian Connection as we called it. The reason for the Canadian theme you might ask? We don't have an answer. But lets just say, it was as Canadian and Redneck as you can get. We had all you can eat pancakes along with all you can guzzle maple syrup, all you can drink beer and cocktails, all you can wrestle mud, and all you could need awesome. I will share a few pictures with you so you can get an idea.

Here is Serena and myself, preparing the mud pit, and respecting the Canadian Flag.

Here we are with Serena looking as gay as possible, and me looking like I love it. Rock on.

Nothing but love at H.O.W.

This one is in here just so you can see the gas can... Don't worry you guys, there was no gas in it. Just some awesome apple cider vodka drink that Serena made. We used it to take shots out of. Redneck much?

This is my cooking apron, it isn't Canadian in the least, it is just in here because it is the only picture of my face not covered in mud where you can see my mountie hat, my mustache, my police badge so everyone knows that I am the law, and my gun. This is how we do Canadia! 

Can I just say one thing... as inappropriate as this looks.... you should see the apron w/o the bikini... ooph

The neighbors on both sides of the house partied with us for a lot of the night, it was a good time. I can't show you anymore pictures from the night... not because they are inappropriate, but because our photographer had another party she had to go to. So, you will just have to imagine the rest. Good luck. Needless to say, we had a fantastic time and it was a great way to end out reign at House On Wynne.

Since then, I have moved back home so I can put all my money away in order to pay for school. I got a job at a bar just a few miles away, but then got fired before I even started... It was quite the confusing situation... especially since the boss fired me via text message. Because an actual phone call or real communication is for losers I guess. Oh well, today I was hired at a cafe called Sandella's. So I start on Monday. It should be a good job and I am looking forward to it.

What else is new?? Hmmm,

Not a lot. I got my motorcycle permit. 

I have started seeing this guy named Nick. We are not a couple yet, we will see what happens there.

I am hanging out with some old HS friends again. The few that I actually liked. It is pretty awesome seeing them again.

And I am reconnecting with my family in a more real way then when you just stop by for a visit. It is good. Although it can be stressful at times, or just straight up annoying, it is also good. 

That is all for now. 


ps, the title of the post has nothing to do with the post. I just want some Doritos...

What Blog?

I am pretty sure it has been 15 years since I have blogged last. Here's why, I would think about it, know what I could blog about, then forget it. Too much work. But alas, there is a lot that has, is, or is about to happen with me. And I feel better when I blog since it is a journal in a way. So, here is, in a nut shell, what has happened with me in the last forever.

I quit my jobs in Rochester, moved to the cities without much of a plan. I decided on which school I was going to go to, got accepted, went through all the paper work... it was Le Cordon Bleu... for oh the minuscule amount of $42,500 a year... no biggie. Then decided with my Mom, step-dad, and Cheryl's help that it was a complete waste of money and that there are much better schools out there for the money. But we will get back to that in a minute.
I moved in with some bomb roomies. I live in a hippie communal house right now. It is a six bedroom in the Como Park area of St. Paul. 6 of us live there and we are a pretty fun group to say the least. I love them and I couldn't have gotten a better living situation for my stay in St. Paul. I say "for my stay in St. Paul," because I am not going to be in St. Paul very long. In fact, our douche baggish landlord is evicting us so they can sell the house. They aren't douche bags because they want to sell the house, so please don't take that the wrong way. They are douche bags because the chick is an ex cop and should know the laws, yet she chooses to violate our privacy on a number of occasions. So, she is a law breaking douche.
Anyway, we are all out at the end of the month, in less that 3 weeks... sweet. At that point I am going to stay with my family for a few months until I move again. Yes, move... again. I guess staying in one place just isn't my thing. So, I sold all my stuff so I don't have as much to move and I am hitting the road in July for..... wait for it.... waaaiiiitttttt........ wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiitttttttttt...........

CALIFORNIA!!!

Woohoo! Yes, you read that right, I am actually making the move. I have been accepted into a school out there for the Culinary Arts and I start in September. So, I will chill here until after my birthday and save up as much money as I can so I won't have as much to worry about when I get out there. Then I can get a job before school starts and get settled into a place.
Then come September, I will be working hard (or hardly working?) I will be attending Napa Valley School, but I will be in St. Helena at the Cooking School branch.
Its a pretty bomb ass school, and here is why,
They only accept 20 students a year, there are only two teachers, but many guest speakers and teachers, they cost less than half the price of LCB, they have a great focus on sustainability (for those of you who care about God's planet,) they have a big garden with a lot of the herbs and veggies we use and they have a flock of chickens we will care for a use, and THEY ARE IN NAPA!!!
Needless to say, I am quite excited about it.
It should be a great experience and I couldn't be more sure about something. The doors were opened up so much smoother than LCB and this time I feel confident in my choice. I have my mom, step dad and Cheryl to thank for the encouragement and help with this.

So, let's see, we covered me leaving Roch, moving to STP, school... both of them, my future move to CA... I think that is about it...

Oh yeah, I have also become a hooker and drug addict... We have a harem in the basement where all my other hooker friends are, it is right next to the meth lab, which is just to the right of the cages where we keep our pitbulls for dog fights. We also have a little room for our shrooms, thats how we pay for our meth lab, which is how we pay for all our coke. Its a great set up.
God Bless.

God vs Politics

I heard a message last Sunday night at The Gallery Covenant church in St. Paul that really resonated with me. It had to do with politics in the church. I love getting into conversations about politics because I don't care about them! And that is what I will tell anyone. I don't care who wins the presidency, I don't care what bill was just passed, or where my tax money goes, and I really don't care what political party you side with. I don't care at all. I can't think of a more “earthy” thing to consume my time and energy.

We let such a stupid thing divide us. Whether it be in a church, a school, a family, friends, marriage, we let this one stupid thing come between us and other people. Jesus called us to love people, it was a commandment!

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind….

and the second is equally important: love your neighbor as yourself.”

He never called us to love the U.S. I don't mean that we shouldn't love the country we live in, we should be thankful… but we care SO much about politics that we end up worshiping our country instead of loving God and our neighbors, and that is what I wanted to talk about.

Example- the 4^th of July, we celebrate it like it is a religion. It is scary how much we all care about the 4^th of July. I don’t know many people that choose not to celebrate it. But Christmas and Easter… how many people do you know that celebrate Christmas for the presents and make it about santa, and they make easter about the easter bunny and the eggs and candy? It is crazy how little we care about those holidays and their true meaning, but the 4^th is a huge deal.

The reason this scares me so much is because we celebrate our freedom in America instead of in Christ. We talk about freedom and about how we are free because we live in America and if it weren't for our troops and past wars, we wouldn't be free. We assume that other countries aren't free because their earthly living conditions are not what ours are. But so many of them are happier because they have found freedom in God instead of a country. They know that this world is not what they want it to be, it isn't perfect, but God is perfect beyond measure. We are free in Him and nothing else. Feeling free because of America seems to be more like a yoke we carry while this country holds the reins. How is that freedom?

Enough about worshiping America, it pisses me off to talk or write about.

I have a quote that I want to share with you from Greg Boyd, the speaker from last Sunday night. “When you have the kingdom of God in common, the differences you have about how government should operate are dwarfed in significance”

I love this quote and I hope it is something that makes you think also about what we celebrate as this holiday season gets closer.

I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello

I have been practicing my goodbyes lately. It isn't something I am good at. I never have been.

I remember my sister telling my once how she would cry after saying bye each time I visited for the weekend and would have to go back to my dad's house. I remember crying too.

I think it all started when I was a kid and was not given the opportunity to say goodbye. Long story short, I was, in a way, kidnapped from my mom in Tennessee. My sister and I didn't get to say bye to each other. I was in preschool, my sister wasn't even in first grade yet, and my brother was just a newborn. We were on our way to church in our cute matching Sunday dresses, when I was taken right out of the family truck in our driveway. I remember kicking and screaming and not being able to do anything about it. My own mom had to watch this happen and she wasn't able to do anything. Don't get me wrong, she did put up a fight, but it was no good and it was too late. I can't imagine how hard that would be for her, it was hard enough for me, and I didn't even know what was happening.

My first hard goodbye was a very hard one. I don't think I have kept from crying during a goodbye since then. I have never understood a goodbye that was easy.



I have been working on some goodbyes these last couple weeks. Not just a simple goodbye, but some really hard ones.



My sister is moving to Germany on Tuesday, she will be gone for three years.

She is my best friend. She has been my constant in life, and I love her to death. Her leaving is really a bitter-sweet situation though. Her husband lives in Germany for the army, and she will be joining him. They will get to be together for the first time since they have been married. They have had an interesting situation their first couple years of marriage, so this will be awesome for them. It is just hard to know that I won't be seeing much of my sister in the next three years.

Last Thursday I took the day off to hang out with her all day. It was an awesome day. We didn't make any plans, we just let the day unfold. Then on Saturday I spent the evening with the family. We ate dinner together, then played a game and watched a movie. But my favorite part of the night had to be at the end when I was getting ready to go home. Ashley and I sat in bed together and just talked.

We share stories when we are together, we share the same stories that we have been telling for years, and they never get old. We still laugh until we cry. Or we tell a story that makes us cry until we laugh. It never gets old, but it is still just as hard.

It wasn't the last goodbye though. I will see her this Saturday, then that is it. I can guarantee it will be a tearful goodbye again, but I will try to see it as bitter-sweet.



There was someone else I almost said goodbye to, for real and forever. Only with him, there were no words between us. It was my favorite uncle actually. He tried to kill himself last Thursday. He is ok and in the hospital, but he is not doing so well. He has three kids from his late wife, and his current wife has a daughter as well. He almost left this world leaving behind a wife, four kids, and so many people that care for him deeply.
I don't get to see him much, but when I do, I feel such a connection with him. He is the only uncle that I could watch a movie with and know that he will be crying at the same parts as me. He is such a cool guy but he is carrying so much weight on his shoulders. I hope and pray that he is going to recover and that he will never feel the need to leave this world prematurely again, because that is one goodbye that I wouldn't get back.



These last goodbyes are ones that hopefully will be short-lived. It is a friend goodbye, the kind that you don't want to say, but yet, it is somehow it is said without words...

I have felt like bridges I have never wanted to burn are being burned or are on the verge or burning. It is a goodbye that shouldn't be said, but unfortunately it is one that is said quite often. I hate when friendships end, but as I am sure everyone knows, it is a part of life.

I have grown close to many people in my life, some from the cities, some from Rochester, but all people that I have grown to genuinely love. When things happen within a friendship that are hurtful, sometimes it is easier for a person to ignore it, and the friend, than to fix it. Apologies are hard things. I hate apologising, I hate being wrong, I hate even more to have to tell someone I am sorry for being wrong. But friendships are hard work, they require love, patience and the strength to apologize. It is easy to be all these things, just maybe not all at once or all with one person.

I hope that a few people and I can be these things with each other and the friendships can be mended and renewed. I don't want to say that goodbye, and I hope other people feel the same way.



I am sick of goodbye, I don't want to say it anymore, and I don't want to hear it either. I pray for strength in those hard moments. And I pray for joy in the moments that I have with the people that I have to say goodbye to. I don't want to miss out on the good because I am focused on the sadness.

Comfort

As I have been hoping to go on missions trips and travel, I have also begun to think about being comfortable. It is something that has been in my head since I moved here 2+ years ago. Being comfortable sounds like death to me. Having life all planned out and perfect can't be fun in any way. Not for me anyway. I don't want to sound harsh or like I am insulting those of you who are comfortable in life. That is not what this post is about. It is about how if I was comfortable, I would die in spirit.
I find that when I am fine with how things are going and nothing is wrong, I don't wish to grown in my faith. Because why grow if everything is fine right? It is a horrible mind set for me to get into. I am kind of jealous of those of you who can be comfortable and still want to grow closer to God and know Him more. It is just something I have not been able to accomplish.

I think that is partially why I am looking forward to traveling so much. If I go to New Zealand and am away from my family and friends for 6 months, I would seriously need God to get me through it. I would strive to be closer to Him every time that I miss home. I got homesick being in Georgia for a week... 6 months would be tough. (I do still hope I have someone who could visit me though!)

The dictionary defines comfort as ease, undisturbed, adequate or sufficient. That sounds like too much for me. Somethings may come easy, I may have undisturbed time, and have sufficiency in my life. But I hope and pray that I don't have all of it at once.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't hope to be like Job and have everything taken away from me. That in no way sounds fun or pleasant. But I do want God to take me places, and bring people to me that will challenge me spiritually, mentally and physically.
That is my prayer today. For a life of people, places and challenges that will bring me closer to God. I don't know what could be better!