There are two types of people in the world...

So I've been getting a lot of crap on my religious views lately. I don't sit in my chair, look down on you, and tell you "you're wrong," so why do you do it to me?

There is no proof of anything, so you really can't tell me I am wrong. How do you know 100% that you are right? 

Christians don't bother me in general, there are two types that bother me. And these two types have completely turned me off of the idea of calling myself a christian. They have been at it for years. I have never voiced my true feelings about this religion until recently, these feelings are nothing new, they are just newly voiced.

I want to explain my feelings in a calm manner when I am not frustrated by anyone in particular at the moment when I blog. So, here is to the two kinds of christians that bug me. 

To those of you who are really charismatic and make people feel uncomfortable-

I feel like making everyone around you uncomfortable is no way to go about showing them gods love. I have an example of this in my life. There is someone who likes to push their views on me. They pray in tongues every time I say something that doesn't line up with their religious views. All I can think about when they do that, is that is sounds like they are placing a curse on me. If there is no one around to interpret what you are saying while you speak in "tongues" they don't do it. You make everyone around you without "faith" uncomfortable. And I am sure it isn't necessary.

Then when I told the person that it makes me upset when they do that every time I say something... what did they say? "It wouldn't make you uncomfortable if you were a forerunner for god." REALLY??!? You are a forerunner eh? And god tells you everything you sit here and preach at me? Oh, there are only 12 of you chosen forerunners? That's amazing. Good for you. I am sure you haven't lost your mind. That all sounds really legit. And not only does it sound legit, but it also sounds like you are in no way telling me you are better than me. Awesome.

The second kind, are the hypocrites. Did y'all know the meaning of the word christian? You should if you are going to call yourself one. 

In greek, the word christianos means follower of christ and christianos came from the word christos, which means anointed one. All you christians are calling yourselves anointed christ followers. I hope you aren't giving "christian" a bum rap. That would be unfortunate for the christ followers that are living out their lives as christ does in the bible. 

The reason I wanted to take that rabbit trail for a minute is to emphasize my frustration with hypocritical christians. The christ I remember finding myself mesmerized with, was someone who lived a life of love. He was just, but loving. He reminded people that it was not their place to judge others. 

Here is a passage from Luke that I took from biblegateway.com, this is from The Message.

^37-38"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don't condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you'll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity."

 ^39-40He quoted a proverb: "'Can a blind man guide a blind man?' Wouldn't they both end up in the ditch? An apprentice doesn't lecture the master. The point is to be careful who you follow as your teacher.

 ^41-42"It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this I-know-better-than-you mentality again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your own part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

It's interesting to me how many christians forget this parable. I think they just don't like it and decide to pretend they forgot about it. Because what fun is it to be equals when you can be above someone right?

Part of my hiatus from christianity, is because I see too many non-christians living lives that I can imagine would bring god more glory that the lives of so many "christians" I know. 

I believe in love. And when I see more christians living out lives of love instead of lives of judgment on others, I will consider affiliating myself with the religion again. 

Until then, I will continue to explore different religions by reading books and articles, and talking to people about their views. I don't think I will go to hell for that. But if I do, I guess I am no closer than I am right now.

Exceptional.

Today whilst biking to work at 4:30 in the morning, I was thinking about things I find to be exceptionally beautiful. Then all day, when I would see something or think of something, I just kept adding to my mental list. And this is what I came up with.

Birds in pairs. I love how they always manage to find each other and fly together. Its beautiful the picture of commitment that they paint. You don't see commitment much anymore. The divorce rate for first marriages alone is over 40%, and it only goes up with each marriage after that. Its sick how bad people are at getting married. But with birds, you see them fly up and go separate directions, but they always fly towards each other. And that is why I find birds in pairs to be beautiful.

Tomatoes. I think they are beautiful. Why? I don't know. 

I love how many different kinds there are. There are so many colors and shapes and sizes, and they are all so closely related. For some reason, I find that to be exceptionally beautiful.  

Families. Not all of them. But the rare family that truly loves and cherishes each other. They are together through thick and thin. They show each other their love with their words and actions. This my friends, is a thing of beauty. 

When children call their parent daddy or mommy. For some reason it always makes my heart smile. 

Adoption. There is a woman who comes into work on Saturday mornings with her daughter that she adopted. She has given up so much, but it is all so worth it. There are too many kids in the world without families that I think, why wouldn't someone adopt? Even if you are not adopting from another country, just taking in someone who needs a family, is a beautiful thing. When someone can think of another family as their own, and know that they will always be, I find this to be a true picture of love. 

The morning air. It is heavy with dew, but crisp and cool. This is the time of day that everyone needs to experience. Don't sleep in all the time, go outside before the sun rises, and be as quiet and still as the air. Watch the sunrise. You will never regret it. 

Laughter. Always amazing. I don't care why you are laughing, (as long as it isn't hurting someone else), and as long as it is real. When people laugh, I feel like they are showing, for a brief moment, their transparent side. Making someone laugh feels great, and almost always, a best friend is someone who makes you laugh. Why? Because it feels good and is beautiful! We all need to laugh more. 

That's all for today. There are a million beautiful things in the world. Sometimes we just need to slow down and see them.

I need someone to interpret my dreams!

I have been having some seriously crazy dreams... They are so strange. I go through phases where I have weird dreams like this though. So I will tell them to you and for those of you who can interpret dreams, let me know what you think. These are in order of the nights I had them.

I was about 8 months pregnant and in a relationship with someone that I have shared nothing more than a kiss with. But I really love this person and I don't think they will ever love me back. I've been thinking about them a lot lately and I just want to get over them. But it isn't looking like I will anytime soon.

Then the next night it was that my little Joey was having a kid as well. Crazy considering he is only 16. I would kick him in the crotch if I found out he knocked up some girl. Not cool Joe! Keep it in your pants!

Next I had a dream that I was getting married. It was a legit wedding dream! It fully weirded me out. I was in my dress (which I looked fabulous in!) and about to walk down the aisle. I got nervous and my sister told me not to be nervous because the relationship was perfect and I shouldn't be nervous about sharing my life with this person. But as soon as it was time to walk, I couldn't because I was just too scared.

Ok, this one sucks. I was at a funeral with my new boyfriend who happened to be a guy I met that day at Champs... It was a distant family members funeral and we had to go to another funeral right after this one. I was getting annoyed though because Tyrone kept calling me his white sugar and being all touchy-feely in front of my dad. I was pissed and then my dad made a comment about me dumping the mexican. I told him, "dad, he is obviously black" and he said, "same thing." It was weird. So I got mad and we were going to head out to the next funeral and I told him it was important that I go because it was Kathy Griffin's funeral and I just love her. Then my dad told me it was not her funeral but my grandmas. Then I woke up.

I think I cried from this one considering my grama is one of my favorite people in the world.

Ok, that is it so far. I am afraid to go to bed at night out of fear of what dreams I will have. There have been a few other weird ones, but I can't remember them like I did these ones. 

So, if you have any insight, shoot it my way! I am curious what people think.

Well that was fun

This is a response to my last blog. Let me start this by saying... it was SO fun to write. 

I got some sweet reactions to it, which is exactly what I was looking for. So, here, I will address some of the responses.

I will start with the negatives. Bad news first right?

For those of you who told me I am going to hell, you know who you are....

I think I said right away in the last post, that I was going to be honest with you and don't judge me. If you don't want to read my blog, don't. I am not forcing you to, you don't have to "follow" me. I don't give a shit if I have no followers. How will that affect me? Hmmm, not at all. So, if you don't like what I have to say, then don't follow my blog.

I have mentioned to many people how I hate "christians" that are full of themselves, "holier than thou," judgmental ass holes. If you are one of those people that read the blog and told me or someone else that I am a horrible person and I am going to hell, then you are one of those people that turn so many people off of the idea of christianity. You are the reason christians are called hypocrites. At least I say it how it is. Be mad if you want, but keep it to yourself, I get enough shit from people that I don't need it from you too.

And to those of you who were supportive of me, whether it be my ideas, or the fact that you said you were thinking of me and would pray for me, or you had some advice for me, thank you. I appreciate it wholeheartedly. It is so good to know I have a few people in my life that won't judge me, but will instead be patient with me and talk to me about it instead of at me. I won't name names, because I didn't ask permission to use these quotes. But I want to share with you what some "good christian people" had to say to me.

*whoever reads these, this was a tiny excerpt of a very long insightful message, this people are amazing people and christ followers. They may have agreed with me about some things I said, but they also gave great advice.

"Church today is just tough. It is a series of programs. And people, know it or not, are asleep. They are sleep walking through programs that are designed by paid staff. And this paid staff has an inner circle of overly committed lay people who enjoy the power and privileges of knowing the paid staff. And there is a land grab for power that comes in the form of being in charge of things, like the sanctuary, or where the flowers or pizza is bought...etc. So I share your struggle with Church. I also share your trait at community, authenticity and truth. I yearn for it, long for it...in a culture where it no longer exists. It's gone, and may never come back."

*whoever reads this, this was a tiny excerpt of a very long insightful message, this person is an amazing person and christ follower. They may have agreed with me about some things I said, but they also gave great advice. 

Thank you for this note, you know who you are. I appreciate your honesty when giving advice. I respect you and your spouse. Each time I have talked with either of you, or your "fricken" cute kids, I have felt an authenticity about you. I know that advice from you all would be from the heart, honest, and out of love. I cried when reading your note because if felt true. Thank you so much for your words.

"I just want you to know that I think that what you said in your blog is awesome and I hope that whoever you are talking about/to will read it and hear what you are saying...

...I can't be so honest because my (spouse) is in ministry and I don't want it to affect them or the minstry. In my heart I know that God is good, and 'ministry' is good. I just am not feeling that people are all that 'good'."

Thank you as well for your kind words. It makes me sad when people can't be totally honest about how they feel. I am not out looking to be people to tell me they agree or feel the same way, but it is nice to hear sometimes. Especially from someone as involved in ministry as you, and with a spouse so involved. I also respect your opinion and I hope you don't stop giving it. :)

"There is something unique inside of you that this world needs - look for it, and then pursue it without fear. Failure happens to all of us - it's impossible to accomplish anything truly beautiful without it. It's a scary, but essential, part of the process."

D, you posted this for everyone to see. So I can't keep you secret! Thank you for the encouragement and prayer. I have not known you well, but I always enjoyed seeing you whether it was brief or we got to chat. Thank you for being you.

"I do not judge you because I have struggled with my own insecurities of being scared of failure and of feeling rejected.  Sucks.  But as my therapist said to me, I will say to you.  You need to face them head on.  I struggle with that daily.  So as I pray for God to help me with that, I will pray for you as well friend.  Know that I am always here.  I might not agree or like everything you do, but I will always love you.  Who am I to judge?  The Lord knows I am far from perfect." 

Dear person who wrote this,

I love you. I have respected your opinion when I wouldn't listen to anyone else. You have been so kind to me the past couple years, I couldn't thank you enough. I know you are strong in your faith and I respect that as well. I so appreciate your kind words whenever we talk. You have been an encouragement for me and I will always remember and be thankful for that. 

Those were some of the responses that I appreciated most. Even the ones I mentioned about me going to hell. Thanks everyone. 

I want you all to know, I didn't say that I DON'T believe in god and that I won't. I am just questioning some thing right now. I am evaluating my life and the people in it. I am not currently screwing up my life even though I don't make the best decisions each time I have to make one, so I appreciate your advice, but until I really start heading in the direction of a regret filled life, I don't need you breathing down my neck.

Once again, thanks everyone who reads this and responds to me.  

Clarity, noun- clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding

This whole clarity thing... yeah... it is lacking in my life right now. I don't want the rest of my life to be set in stone, and I sure as hell don't want to know exactly what it would look like if it was. But I do want some clarity. I don't think that is asking too much.

So, lets play a game, its called Me Being Honest With You. The sequel is called Don't Judge Me

Here are the rules, I will tell you whats on my mind... maybe more than I should, and you can read it if you want, or not. Then the sequel, which is best played right after Me Being Honest With You, goes like this... don't judge me. It is quite simple, play along if you feel like it.

I have pretty much quit going to church, quit praying, quit asking for "godly" advice, etc, because I suck at it. All of it. I don't enjoy church much, I enjoy the friends I have met at church, but not the rest of it. I have a hard time praying, I find it to be a waste of time most days, I feel like I am taking time to, in my head, "talk" to a god that I have no idea if he exists or not, and I could instead be actually talking to someone who will talk back. And I don't ask for "godly" advice, because I have found that in the process, the person giving the advice, is usually quite condescending because what I am doing is that which a heathen would do. So, if your advice is to pray or ask advice of a good christian person, I will take note of your advice, tuck it away in the back of my head, and probably not do it.

I tell you that so you won't tell me to pray about what I am about to write.

I feel so confused with my life as it is right now. And here is why-

I feel (as I have for as long as I can remember) that I have no effing idea what the hell I should do with my life. As some of you (depending on how well you know me) are aware, I get an idea in my head, and think that it is the best idea in the world. Like, I should be a teacher... oh wait, kids piss me off too often. I should be a lawyer (I wanted to be a divorce lawyer) because so many people get divorced and I am damn good at fighting my point and the point of whoever else. Oh wait, I hated high school, and barely graduated... no law school would accept me. I should go into Child Protection Services, but what I want to do, is what I see in the movies, not sitting behind a desk pushing papers. I should join the Peace Corps, oh wait, America pisses me off and I want nothing to do with the government here. I should go in the missions field, oh wait, I don't know if I could tell people about a god that I have a hard time believing in.

I put so much of myself into these ideas and I want them so bad it hurts. But I am so afraid of failing that I don't bother... just in case I would fail. So, I move on. The problem with this mentality, is that I feel like a failure every time I don't do what I set out to do.

Part of the reason I am pursuing my Culinary Arts degree is because I know that I love to cook and it is something I think I could actually do. And now, I am so sick of feeling like a failure, that I won't back down on this one.

But all this not backing down isn't helping my current mindset either. I am frustrated and on the verge of quitting again. The school isn't too expensive, but I have myself in a bit of a financial pickle, and I don't know if I can afford the down payment to hold my spot. I need to pay off my credit card, pay the down payment, figure out the vehicle situation, and do this all by the end of July?? How the hell am I supposed to do that when I haven't gotten a paycheck in months?? I just got a job, so that will help big time. But I don't know if it will be soon enough. So I am feeling like I should give up my spot at Napa Valley College and hope for the best next year. That way I can save money and hopefully not have any money issues then. But on the other hand... (I am sorry mom) I don't know if I could live at home or find a place to live cheap enough for it to be worth staying in MN much longer. I want to be out in Cali right now... but that obviously isn't an option yet. This is quite the dilemma in my world.

You want clarity from me like I want it from you? Then have the balls to ask me about it, or lets just call it what it is, a friendship that is no more. It breaks my heart to say that because I am lover, but I don't need the hurt that you cause me. Lets just make the friendship, or lack of, clear. I am wanting clarity, and if you won't offer that, then get out of my way. This is a new day and I am not letting you affect me anymore.

This is why I never bothered to get close to people or when I did, I pushed them away before we got close enough for this shit. I had the right idea and was convinced I was wrong for that. But look at me now. Was it so wrong to look out for myself when no one else would? Had I cut ties earlier on, I wouldn't feel like shit now. I am not blaming anyone for trying to help, I am just frustrated with how it turned out.

I am searching for clarity within my life, future, relationships and everything else. Don't get in my way. You can love me or not. But lets not play games anymore. I quit pretending when I was five.

Doritos

So, as of my last post, I was still living with my roommates. A lot has changed in the short time since then.

We have all moved out of our crash pad called House On Wynne and found new places to call home. It was a sad day when we all started packing. But we went out with a bang. What else would my crazy house do in such a situation? Nothing but party is the correct answer. I hope you got it right! 

We had quite the Canadian Connection as we called it. The reason for the Canadian theme you might ask? We don't have an answer. But lets just say, it was as Canadian and Redneck as you can get. We had all you can eat pancakes along with all you can guzzle maple syrup, all you can drink beer and cocktails, all you can wrestle mud, and all you could need awesome. I will share a few pictures with you so you can get an idea.

Here is Serena and myself, preparing the mud pit, and respecting the Canadian Flag.

Here we are with Serena looking as gay as possible, and me looking like I love it. Rock on.

Nothing but love at H.O.W.

This one is in here just so you can see the gas can... Don't worry you guys, there was no gas in it. Just some awesome apple cider vodka drink that Serena made. We used it to take shots out of. Redneck much?

This is my cooking apron, it isn't Canadian in the least, it is just in here because it is the only picture of my face not covered in mud where you can see my mountie hat, my mustache, my police badge so everyone knows that I am the law, and my gun. This is how we do Canadia! 

Can I just say one thing... as inappropriate as this looks.... you should see the apron w/o the bikini... ooph

The neighbors on both sides of the house partied with us for a lot of the night, it was a good time. I can't show you anymore pictures from the night... not because they are inappropriate, but because our photographer had another party she had to go to. So, you will just have to imagine the rest. Good luck. Needless to say, we had a fantastic time and it was a great way to end out reign at House On Wynne.

Since then, I have moved back home so I can put all my money away in order to pay for school. I got a job at a bar just a few miles away, but then got fired before I even started... It was quite the confusing situation... especially since the boss fired me via text message. Because an actual phone call or real communication is for losers I guess. Oh well, today I was hired at a cafe called Sandella's. So I start on Monday. It should be a good job and I am looking forward to it.

What else is new?? Hmmm,

Not a lot. I got my motorcycle permit. 

I have started seeing this guy named Nick. We are not a couple yet, we will see what happens there.

I am hanging out with some old HS friends again. The few that I actually liked. It is pretty awesome seeing them again.

And I am reconnecting with my family in a more real way then when you just stop by for a visit. It is good. Although it can be stressful at times, or just straight up annoying, it is also good. 

That is all for now. 


ps, the title of the post has nothing to do with the post. I just want some Doritos...

What Blog?

I am pretty sure it has been 15 years since I have blogged last. Here's why, I would think about it, know what I could blog about, then forget it. Too much work. But alas, there is a lot that has, is, or is about to happen with me. And I feel better when I blog since it is a journal in a way. So, here is, in a nut shell, what has happened with me in the last forever.

I quit my jobs in Rochester, moved to the cities without much of a plan. I decided on which school I was going to go to, got accepted, went through all the paper work... it was Le Cordon Bleu... for oh the minuscule amount of $42,500 a year... no biggie. Then decided with my Mom, step-dad, and Cheryl's help that it was a complete waste of money and that there are much better schools out there for the money. But we will get back to that in a minute.
I moved in with some bomb roomies. I live in a hippie communal house right now. It is a six bedroom in the Como Park area of St. Paul. 6 of us live there and we are a pretty fun group to say the least. I love them and I couldn't have gotten a better living situation for my stay in St. Paul. I say "for my stay in St. Paul," because I am not going to be in St. Paul very long. In fact, our douche baggish landlord is evicting us so they can sell the house. They aren't douche bags because they want to sell the house, so please don't take that the wrong way. They are douche bags because the chick is an ex cop and should know the laws, yet she chooses to violate our privacy on a number of occasions. So, she is a law breaking douche.
Anyway, we are all out at the end of the month, in less that 3 weeks... sweet. At that point I am going to stay with my family for a few months until I move again. Yes, move... again. I guess staying in one place just isn't my thing. So, I sold all my stuff so I don't have as much to move and I am hitting the road in July for..... wait for it.... waaaiiiitttttt........ wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiitttttttttt...........

CALIFORNIA!!!

Woohoo! Yes, you read that right, I am actually making the move. I have been accepted into a school out there for the Culinary Arts and I start in September. So, I will chill here until after my birthday and save up as much money as I can so I won't have as much to worry about when I get out there. Then I can get a job before school starts and get settled into a place.
Then come September, I will be working hard (or hardly working?) I will be attending Napa Valley School, but I will be in St. Helena at the Cooking School branch.
Its a pretty bomb ass school, and here is why,
They only accept 20 students a year, there are only two teachers, but many guest speakers and teachers, they cost less than half the price of LCB, they have a great focus on sustainability (for those of you who care about God's planet,) they have a big garden with a lot of the herbs and veggies we use and they have a flock of chickens we will care for a use, and THEY ARE IN NAPA!!!
Needless to say, I am quite excited about it.
It should be a great experience and I couldn't be more sure about something. The doors were opened up so much smoother than LCB and this time I feel confident in my choice. I have my mom, step dad and Cheryl to thank for the encouragement and help with this.

So, let's see, we covered me leaving Roch, moving to STP, school... both of them, my future move to CA... I think that is about it...

Oh yeah, I have also become a hooker and drug addict... We have a harem in the basement where all my other hooker friends are, it is right next to the meth lab, which is just to the right of the cages where we keep our pitbulls for dog fights. We also have a little room for our shrooms, thats how we pay for our meth lab, which is how we pay for all our coke. Its a great set up.
God Bless.